


I Don't know Him (Them)

by orphan_account



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Based on a Tumblr Post, Established Relationship, Fluff, Jim is a Little Shit, Married Couple, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-19
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-11-02 13:31:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10945509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Five time Leonard and/or Spock denounced Jim for saying something stupid and the one time Jim denounced them.





	I Don't know Him (Them)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I'm not rich so I guess I don't own Star Trek.

**1\. Sweet Tea**

Leonard, Spock and Jim were visiting Georgia for shore leave and spending a week with Joanna. The first night there Leonard decided they would take Joanna out for dinner. It was a small family run restaurant tucked between a bakery and an ice cream shop on a small side road that seemed stuck in 1980’s décor. It was a nice place none the less even if Jim’s thighs were sticking to the seats.

Leonard and Spock both had been shooting Jim unamused looks all night for what he was wearing. Leonard went so far as to say he looked like a street walker. Jim’s response had been, “I’ll just continue dressing like a street walker then, until the heat goes away.”

Joanna was also wearing shorts and Jim could hear her legs peel off the seat every time she moved too. Eleanora was watching he granddaughter and son-in-law with fond amusement.

“Here are your drinks,” the server said placing a glass of sweet tea in front of everyone, except Spock, who ordered water despite Leonard’s pleading.

Jim waited till the server left. “Why is it so thick?” Jim asked swirling the liquid in the glass.

“Used corn syrup,” Leonard said placing a straw in Jim’s drink.

Jim used the straw to play with the liquid. Leonard and Spock fell into a conversation about the merits of occasionally getting drunk, a common conversation as Leonard wanted to see his other husband tipsy. Their conversation was rather loud neither so they, nor Eleanor who was seated next to them, could hear Jim when he first asked his question. Joanna’s incredulous expression wasn’t enough to dissuade him from asking again.

“Do you think this is thick enough to use as lube?” Jim asked a bit louder. Apparently, a bit louder meant the entire restaurant heard. All heads in the room turned to their table. Joanna blushed and tried to slide under the table, being thirteen she’d only recently had ‘the talk’ and anything sex related embarrassed the hell out of her. Eleanora was trying to stifle her laugh as she took in the stupefied expression on her son’s face. Spock merely raised an eyebrow at Jim before turning to Leonard.

Leonard finally manage to shake himself out of his stupor. He took one look around the restaurant before picking up his plate, grabbing Spock’s arm, and seating himself at a table for two. “I don’t know him,” Leonard said as he sat down.

“Ha! He’s a liar. We’re actually married. I’m also married to that Vulcan that’s ignoring me too,” Jim says proudly. Leonard and Spock tried to ignore the laughter in the restaurant.

=-=-=-=

**2\. Knee High to a Grasshopper**

Eleanora decided to take the boys yard selling on the last full day of their visit. She refused to release Spock’s arm claiming a lady needed a guide even though it was more her dragging Spock then Spock guiding. Jim was kind of put out that Spock seemed to be her new favorite but Jim let it slide because Spock needed the motherly pampering more than he did.

They were at the third yard sale when Leonard spotted a small, orange, side table. Joanna’s current favorite color was orange so Leonard thought she might like it. He called over the owner to ask for a price since the tag said negotiable. Jim who had finished looking through their old vintage band t-shirts and had three draped over his arm joined Leonard at the table.

“That table’s knee high to a grasshopper,” Jim declared when he saw it.

Leonard and the yard sale owner looked at Jim like he’d lost his mind. “What?” Leonard asked.

Jim gave him a blank look. “It’s small,” Jim said as if his comment should have been obvious.

“That’s not what that means,” Leonard said before turning back to the owner, “I don’t know him.”

“Ha! He’s a liar. We’re married.” Jim said as Spock walked over to drag him away from Leonard. “I’m married to this one too,” he continued pointing at Spock.

Leonard shook his head as Jim was dragged off the payment table. “I’ll give you $25 for it,” Leonard said, bringing the conversation back on track.

“You can take it for free so long as you pay for the rest you got. Lord knows you and your Vulcan husband need a break or two,” the owner said with a smirk.

Leonard snorted, “You’re not wrong.”

=-=-=-=

**3\. PonFar**

Jim, Leonard and Spock planned to spend the next week and a half on Vulcan with Sarek. The three were sitting in the living room when Sarek returned home from a meeting. Spock and Jim were playing chess while Leonard was reading a Vulcan Medical Journal Sarek had given him that morning.

Sarek had not returned alone. He brought with him T’Pau, and a few other elders, as well as his new intended Perrin. Jim rubbed his leg against Spock’s under the table knowing Perrin’s presence made Spock antsy. Leonard also extended his leg from where he was sitting to subtly place his foot against Spock’s back in solidarity.

Sarek announced that they would be staying for dinner. “Does this mean I won’t be cooking tonight or do you still want me to do that?” Jim asked as he put Spock in check.

“You may cook if you desire,” Sarek said as he watched his son move his knight removing himself from and placing Jim in check. Sarek turned to lead his congregation from the room when it appeared Spock would win.

“Cool, I’m making Ponfar,” Jim said as he checkmated Spock. The room went deadly silent and Jim looked up to see something he never thought possible, a room full of shocked and horrified Vulcans.

Jim turned to look at Leonard in confusion but Leonard looked like he was about to have a conniption.

“Jim,” Spock said, “Pon Far is not a Vulcan dish.”

Jim looked surprised. “Are you sure? I swore I’ve heard the word before.”

“I know you’ve seen the word before,” Leonard said. “We had to be briefed on the word but it wasn’t in relation to food. Pon Far has to do with sex. Plomeek. You’re making Plomeek soup.”

The other Vulcans in the room relaxed at Leonard’s correction. Jim felt kind of bad about his blunder as Spock looked embarrassed. Sarek seemed to be taking it in stride however as he closed his eyes for a moment. When he opened them, it was like Jim’s mistake never happened.

T’Pau looked hard at Spock and Spock, shamefully, caved under the pressure. Not sure what to say but knowing he needed to say something, Spock took a leaf out of Leonard’s book. “I do not know him,” Spock said. “I’m not sure how he got into our house.”

T’Pau raised an eyebrow at Spock. “I’m sure,” she said.

“Ha! He’s a lair. We’re married,” Jim said, “And I’m making Plomeek soup.”

Leonard was laughing so hard he thought he’d bust a gut. “I am unsure why you find Jim’s blunder funny, Leonard, you are married to him too.”

Leonard stopped laughing as Sarek removed his coworkers from the room with haste.

=-=-=-=

**4\. Purring**

Despite Jim’s blunder Sarek continued to allow Jim out in public, a move both Leonard and Spock were beginning to think was a bad idea. Surprisingly, Sarek enjoyed Jim’s company and decided taking him to the Vulcan Science Academy was also a good idea. Leonard and Spock could have told him that was a mistake, Spock had even tried, but Sarek seemed to think Jim would behave now that he’s embarrassed the family once. Sarek was also of the opinion that Jim couldn’t possibly do anything worse. Leonard and Spock stopped bothering to correct his assumptions.

They were walking through the Mental Science Labs when Sarek stopped outside of one of the observation windows. “This particular lab is studying the similarities between species that evolved from similar origins. They are in their preliminary studies and are currently examining Primate, Feline and Porcine evolutions. Studies have shown that Vulcans have a surprising amount in common with Caitians,” Sarek said.

“So, if Vulcans evolved from a feline evolution does that mean you guys purr?” Jim asked right as two Vulcans walked past them and into the room they were examining.

“Vulcans do no purr, Jim,” Spock said with a resigned expression as the Vulcan’s with in the room turned to observe Jim. Sarek’s icy calmness had them turning back to their work but the head researcher left the room. Leonard kind of wanted to bang his head on the wall.

When the head researcher reached them, he watched Jim closely. “Having observed the Felines that have not fully evolved to civilization along with those that have we have determined that the ability to purr is a process only known to Terran felines, and several other Terran animals. The process it thought to be a product of co-evolution. Roaring and growling are more natural processes to Feline species,” The head researcher said.

Jim nodded and Spock tried to stop him from asking the next question he could see his husband about to ask. Spock wasn’t quick enough, however and Jim asked, “So, are barbed penises a thing only Terran Felines have? I know Vulcans don’t have them but are they outliers?”

Despite the fact that it hadn’t worked the first-time Spock said, “I do not know this human. If you wish we can remove him.”

“Ha! He’s a liar. We’re married,” Jim said before pointing to Leonard, “He’s also married to that.”

“Did you just call me a that?” Leonard asked incredulously.

The head researcher ignored the three and answered Jim’s question with, “The barbed penises of Terran Felines developed as a method to better procreate. It is common for species that develop to the point of civilization to not have need for a way to force procreation. Barbed penises are not exclusive to Terran Felines but it is not a common trait because of shared ancestry.”

Jim nodded again. “Thanks,” Jim said.

The researcher bowed his head before returning to the research room.

“I do not understand my son’s tendency to unclaim you,” Sarek said.

“They are just mean sometimes but I know they love me,” Jim replied.

“Indeed?” Sarek asked as him and Jim turned a corner leaving Leonard and Spock alone.

=-=-=-=

**5\. Porthos**

Jim, Spock and Leonard had to spend a few days of their shore leave in meetings with the brass, so they packed up and left Vulcan for Earth again. After five meetings Leonard was done with the questions, accusations, and the uniform. Even Spock started flagging after nine hours of meetings. Thankfully they had reached their last meeting of the day which was with Pike, Barnett, Boyce, and Archer, aka the only Admirals who liked Jim Kirk as more than publicity.

The meeting was winding down and the Admirals had taken to teasing the three men seated across from them. Porthos, the eighth or maybe ninth, managed to nose his way over to Jim and Jim pulled the beagle into his lap. Jim fell out of the conversation as he started playing with the beagle which was why it was out of the blue when he loudly asked the dog if Admiral Archer owned more than one Porthos at a time.

“What?” Archer asked.

Jim looked up from the dog. “Do you have more than one dog named Porthos at a time?” Jim asked bouncing the dog in his lap for emphasis.

“No I don’t have more than one Porthos,” Archer said incredulously, “Why would your fool brain even think that?”

“I don’t know,” Jim said, “You just always seem to have one with you. Just figured no one wanted to spend all day everyday with you so you’d have to trade out you dogs.”

Pike, Boyce and Barnett started snickering as Archer narrowed his eyes. Jim’s eyes widened in response and he ran out of the room.

“I don’t know him,” Leonard and Spock said at the same time. They looked at each other incredulously as the Admirals finally lost it and fell into chuckles.

“Ha! They’re liars. We’re married,” Jim said sticking his head back in the room. The room froze as the admirals took in Jim’s words. The three hadn’t yet bothered to announce their marriage to Starfleet.

“Well, damn, I’ll edit your files,” Pike finally said.

=-=-=-=

**+1. Snow**

Their shore leave would end shortly after Christmas and Jim’s mother had invited them, plus the rest of the command crew and their families to spend it on the Kirk’s family farm. Everyone took them up on the offer, including Sarek, which meant the house was a bit cramped but extremely homey but that fit well with the crew of the Enterprise who practically lived out of each other’s pockets.

Leonard, Jim, and Spock were seated in the living room with Jim’s mom and brother when Joanna came barreling into the room. “The forecasters said there would be a snow storm tomorrow! I’ve never seen snow!” Joanna said.

The three Kirk’s groaned. “What’s wrong?” Leonard asked, “It’s just snow.”

“I do not think snow is deserving of the reaction given,” Spock added.

Winona Kirk looked at them like they were stupid as Sam replied, “Are you out of your mind? Of course, it’ll be a problem!”

“I don’t know them,” Jim said as he grabbed his cup to make a tactful retreat. Before he could make it out the door Leonard yelled, “Ha! He’s a liar,” and Spock said, “We’re married.”

Jim smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted to post this yesterday but I didn't have it finished before I had to go to my brother's field day and after field day I went to sleep.


End file.
